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April 2019



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Apr. 1st, 2019 09:22 pm

Missing you

fukurodani: (pic#12782192)
Mob Psycho 100 season 2 finished airing today, so it's a bittersweet day! This update will contain some thoughts on the episode (ie. spoilers) so watch out at the 'media' section if you don't want to be spoiled.

Work/Life: I've been knocked back from a lot of volunteering opportunities, but I think (?) one may have finally come through? I will find out later this week, and hopefully, if I can volunteer, I can get a reference, which will put me in better stead to get a job. My plan right now is still to focus on my PhD - at least until this chapter is done, and then to meet my supervisor and communicate honestly about my financial situation. If I have the chapter to show him, he'll be able to realistically talk about applying for extensions, interruptions and/or funding with a knowledge of my abilities. If I have nothing to give him he'll give up on me, I'm sure. 
I keep reminding myself that doing my PhD, at least this part of it, will help me when it comes to other things that paralyse me (knowing what will happen in the future, getting money, getting work). It's not quite sunk in enough for me to push past the fear and actually do it yet, though. If you have tips please send them my way!

Social Life: I went to Norway last week and spent time with the in-laws. It was really nice, actually, despite the awkward pressure I feel whenever the topic of the future comes up. We had a great time, and I got to see my little nephew! He's adorable. This weekend I'll be visiting my own parents (alone this time), to try and communicate to them the sort of situation I'm in right now and also give them a bit of attention, because they're due it. I'm not dreading it like I normally do. Related to that, I've decided to adopt the abbreviated form of my deadname again ("Jai", for those who don't know or remember), because my relationship with them has come much further and I don't mind hearing it anymore.
I'm having trouble remaining connected and feeling secure with friends right now - probably because I'm having trouble remaining connected. My lack of organisation worries me, and I worry my feelings don't come across sincerely. Still, I'm making an effort and people have been quite reassuring, and I've managed to put off the typical unhealthy coping mechanisms (ie. isolating and 'testing' friendships by seeing if they'll message first)

Writing: I published chapter 3 of Where I've Been, which I had a lot of fun writing; it was a little indulgent, a little comical, but genuine where I wanted it to be. I enjoy playing with the various manifestations of recovery, the length of time it can take and the ways it can happen. I've been very inspired by my friends' works lately - I have a lot of talented people around me, and they often excel in areas I struggle with. It's great to be surrounded by people who make me want to challenge myself. I am still writing a lot of BokuAka, but I've also started a SeriRei fic (mp100) that I'm excited and nervous about! It's my first time writing a character as distinctly schizophrenic, something which is obviously personal to me.

Media: Speaking of both MP100 and Schizophrenia, those are two things I've been engaging seriously with. Season 2 took us to the end of Toichirou's arc, and it was incredibly meaningful to see it animated. (spoiler) I was a little disappointed with the addition to the fight scene? I understood why they added it, and the animation was incredible, but because I knew it was an addition my first reaction was to laugh and my second was to be sad that they had Mob 'give up' in that way. In the manga, Mob never intended to abandon Toichirou completely, and I think that's important. The rest of it was conveyed super well though, and every little detail added up, so that you were able to sympathise with a frankly abhorrent character. I'll never stop being amazed by ONE's storytelling.
I read The Collected Schizophrenia's, a collection of personal essays by Esmee Weijun Wang recently, and it was an incredibly relatable and painful tale of developing schizophrenia's as a 'bright' person, as someone who has little of value other than their brain, which is now in decay. I don't think that her stories are relatable for everyone with schizophrenia - for example, that she has been able to write this many essays is incredible and rare, and I know schizophrenic people including myself who find it difficult to even read - but I did relate to it, and it gave me hope in a frank and disturbing way. Nothing will get better, not necessarily, but things will continue to be. It made me ask myself some hard questions - about what might happen if I lose my awareness of delusion - that I still don't have the answer to, but it was incredibly moving nontheless. I recommend it to everyone, especially if you know someone with schizophrenia (you do, it's me)
Other things I have watched include: Showa Genroku Rakugo Shinju, a period anime about the theatre which is gripping me, Dororo, a moving and graphic remake of a classic comedy anime, and Turn Up Charlie! A feel good netflix series where Idris Elba has to look after a privileged but neglected white kid. All of them have been amazing, it's been nice to consume so much good media lately.

Health: Saved this 'til last because it's a bummer (always) so you can skip it. I went swimming! Which I'm incredibly proud of myself for, but 2 days later my shoulders still hurt, and I only did 9 short lengths. It's a work in progress, though. My executive function, though, as well as certain schizophrenia symptoms, have been worsening lately. Not in a crisis way, but in a steady decline, the kind where I think 'oh, this is the next stage, hm'. Removing myself from the psychiatric system, though the right move for me, has made an impact on my outlook. Certain treatments I think I would benefit from (ritalin) have been denied to me, but I'm no more likely to get them outside of the system, and the shift from treatment to management is always a little depressing. It feels like giving up (even though I know, for sure, that it's not).
fukurodani: (Default)
 Hello, I'm Raleigh, 25, honorarily Scottish, and my greatest achievement to date is having written 20+ thousand words of bokuakakuro bdsm.

I live with my fiance, three cats, and I'm trans. I use ne/nym/nis or they/them pronouns, I have fibromyalgia and a myriad of mental health issues, and I'm getting by! I'm really hoping dreamwidth will take off as a new place - so far I've only been put off by its lack of activity, so. 
Dec. 4th, 2018 10:33 pm


fukurodani: (Default)
 I used to be an avid live journal user, and it wasn't perfect but I do miss elements of that community. Right now I'm covering all my bases, making sure I have accounts everywhere to see where fandom activity moves. Most likely it won't be where I want it to be, but I guess we'll see!
I like the communities that grow in places like dreamwidth and pillowfort, but they really do depend on an active user base. Tumblr was scary and lonely, but you could still blog without anyone participating even if it lacked validation. As long as people use the communities etc, it's a fun place, but if not, it'll just be a bit of a desolate cavern... 
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